The only way ,I knew how to be loved!
I always just wanted to be loved. I remember being a little girl wanting the love and attention from my parents. Through the battered nights of abuse with my father left my mother wounded in her own missionary. I grew up on happy days and the Adams family. I’d start in the morning and not stop till game shows came on.. I was part of a family that wasn’t a happy family. My sister is special needs so that’s a ton of work In it’s self. My parents alcohol and drug dependency coupled with domestic violence then throw in 3 kids one with special needs. You don’t exactly get the attention you need as a child. I can look back now and see why my choices in life where often bad ones. I had never been shown or taught healthy boundaries. I watched my father beat my mother and my mother forgive him and take him back. 13 years my mother stayed. My father beat my mother for the last time in may of 1982 Mother’s Day weekend. I was 5 . I cried holding my fathers pant leg begging him to stop. As he drug her up and down the stairs by her hair beating her. He swore he’d never hit her again... he was killed in a motorcycle accident on July 4th 1982. He never hit her again. Would I like to believe his promise? Most definitely. What I do know is.
I learned it was okay to have hands laid upon me. I was taught to bee seen not heard. I was completely motivated by fear and punishment. Not love and nurturing. The value of self love and self worth was never shown. After many narcissistic abusive relationships all having one or more traits.. physical sexual emotional ,alcoholic, addict controlling isolating. They all loved me so much. I could see it in there eyes while they pleaded with me how .. I made them do it because they loved me so much. The feeling of hopelessness ..I had inside while trying to get the strength to leave. The fear of what will happen ??once I do leave. ? The more I stand firm the harder he persuades. Try to keep good boundaries and have self worth. Why do I feel bad and guilty about what happened. I know I should leave but I have to play this game. He won’t let me leave if I try. I’ll have to play his game..... until next time....... break the chain!!
Battered but not broken. I survived!!Survivor 🖤
You are a very talented and brave. Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts. You certainly have survived, I would dare say that you are thriving.